Ib & Ob: A New Hope

Ob: ...do you remember that asteroid that flew through this system sixty rotations ago?

Ib: You mean one with the weird organic red coating that you said was nothing to worry about.

Ob: Well I am using the gravity drive to apply a gravity assisted course change.

Ib: Why exactly are you changing an asteroid's course?

Ob: Technically it is not an asteroid as such, more sort of a Seeder Ship.

Ib: Hence the organic coating although the Colony Commission has not used that technology in hundreds of cycles.  Your telling me you working for Colony Commission?

Ob: Not completely, only indirectly.

Ib: Hold on a panug, if you are here to change its course why did you say that we are here to investigate the third planet?

Ob: We are here to investigate the planet just for not all the reasons I stated.

Ib: Where exactly is this Seeder Ship going?

Ob: Now that I have made the course change, it should hit the fourth planet in this system in just under two cycles.

Ib: Correct if I am wrong here but Colony Commission rules states if life exists in a system then you cannot deploy a Seeder Ship.

Ob: That is completely true but have you noticed when was the last time the Colony Commission seeded a new planet?

Ib: Admittedly not for a few cycles, the galaxy is not as big as it used to be.

Ob: The last new planet seeded by the Commission was eighty one cycles ago, their rules are out of date.  We in the science club have decided...

Ib: By the Moons of Gugt your Rebels! I should have guessed considering the name of the club: The Enlightened Ones.

Ob: There are more of us than you think!

Ib: Really! So what did you do pick up an old out of date Seeder Ship add a quick spray paint job and launch it. Hold on, organic sprays were made illegal over two hundred cycles ago.

Ob: Only because they were too slow, however we in Science club have improved the Ship by adding two Bio Emitters which will speed up the flow of organics considerably.

Ib:  As I recall the last time two Bio Emitters were used together a Chaos Wave appeared and destroyed half the planet. Hence the big warning signs on them, your not even allowed to transport them together.

Ob: We have fixed that issue, besides it all really depends what we will find on this planet.

Ib: What you are saying  is if we cannot verify intelligent life on the third planet your going to deploy what is effectively a weapon of mass destruction on the fourth planet.

Ob: Yes, the Science club gave me the deciding vote.

Ib: You mean they gave you all the responsibility and gave themselves the ability to denied everything should anything go wrong.

Ob: I am sure it will be fine.

Ib: Is the escape pod on this ship equipped with a H-Jump system?

Ob: Why do you ask?

Ib & Ob: Trust me!

Ob: Trust me!

Ib: I stopped trusting you after the first day in our study room.

Ob: I do not remember anything particular about that day.

Ib: Really and they say our species never forgets a thing, that was the day you attempted to create antimatter without proper shielding and the Trilon hatchery next door exploded!

Ob: That was never proven to be my fault.

Ib: So it was a complete coincidence that your particle beam was in direct line of sight with the hatchery?

Ob: Your pet Plyth had knocked off the mirror prism.

Ib: You mean the one that could barely fly let alone crawl?

Ob: Yes, what happened to it?

Ib: Your pygmy Trilon stood on it after you attempted to connect it to the Synaptic Melder.

Ob: Well if I had a full grown Trilon there would not have been a problem!

Ib: A problem you created by blowing up the Trilon hatchery earlier in the week.

Ob: I was ill that week!

Ib: Yes because the pygmy Trilon exploded and your right orb got infected with Trilon blood.  It was the first recorded case in over two hundred cycles.

Ob: I thought we were friends?

Ib: We are, I just do not trust you as far as I can throw you!

Ob: Well you cannot throw me at all because I am wearing my new MagLock boots.

Ib: The green ones which you have set to stealth mode, so not only I cannot see the boots nor can I see your feet.

Ob: Amazing are not they!

Ib: And your wearing them in the ship.  Perhaps you can tell me why the gravity is stuck on the bottom of that Gas giant we passed on the way into this system?

Ob: Well...

Ib & Ob: Rite of Passage

Ob: The probes that came back are quite disturbing in the fact that the quadrupeds appear to commit ritual sacrifice.

Ib: Purple Monopods! Hardly an intelligent species then, killing their own.

Ob: Yes I know although it is a bit of mystery since the probes have been unable to capture the location of the temple that the sacrifice occurs in.

Ib: Then how do you know it is occurring? 

Ob: They found thousands of buildings where the subspecies consumes organic matter which they call: Hamburgers.

Ib: Odd name for food.

Ob: It is an odd food, upon analysis most of it appears to made up of chemicals that make the subspecies feel good very very briefly and then hungry again.

Ib: Sounds more like a drug, where do the quadrupeds come in?

Ob: Part of the organic component to the Hamburger contain quadruped parts.

Ib: Parts, what parts?

Ob: As far the biology probes can tell nothing that would be useful to the subspecies's nutrition.

Ib: Are you sure this is ritual sacrifice perhaps the quadrupeds are trying to kill off the weak members of subspecies.

Ob: Or maybe make them more subservient, we have a missing link in the chain.

Ib: I am curious how do they consume this food by injection?

Ob: Did you not notice that your lunch had a hole on a its head?

Ib: It had several holes as I recall however I assume you are talking about the large one.

Ob: Yes, they take their food in through that hole.

Ib: That is disgusting what about all the infections you can get from such things?

Ob: You seem to forget that thousands of cycles ago we too ingested food through our nasal passage.

Ib: Yes and I glad I was not around for that.  I remember Prof. Zi telling us about the diseases of the past before we started using the injectors.  Made my orbs spins, horrible days indeed.

Ob: Then you have not heard about the Anti-Injectors, Grey World does insulate you from some of the more extreme news.

Ib: What are you talking about?

Ob: Basically there is a movement that wants us to go back to using our nasal passage for food intake, they say it is more natural and satisfying.

Ib: You are pulling my Danuses, no Grey in their right orbs would do such thing.

Ob: I agree injectors have nearly wiped out all known diseases, why would anyone want to bring back a disease.

Ib: Let us get off this horrible tangent and return to our proper orbit.  I think the quadrupeds are practicing a form of population control we have seen it before in other cultures or maybe it is a voluntary sacrifice?!?

Ob: True, maybe they are giving parts of themselves to the subspecies to make them feel like they are the quadrupeds. Organic worship, interesting maybe my initial issues with the probes results were not ions in the grill after all.

Ib: Well if that is all sorted out, I will take the shuttle back out to get some lunch.

Ob: Okay but before you do we need to address the problem of the two holes on either side of their heads.

Ib: Are you trying to make me thinner than I already am?

Ib & Ob: Dividing by Zero

Ob: Well it appears that...

Ib: What is that flashing light on your console?

Ob: Probably nothing as I was about to...

Ib: Flashing lights are rarely nothing let me see. 

Ob: Fine, fine okay all yours and why do not you take over my reason for being here as well.

Ib: Cool your ions my friend, I knew it!  When exactly did you last use the teleport?

Ob: Not sure, probably when we picked up supplies on Ketr 3.

Ib: Really, well we just teleported my lunch 1160 units from the original position I found it in.

Ob: Well we can easily trace it to where it currently is.  There you go, it is inside that White building.

Ib: Is it still alive?

Ob: Yes and there are lots of its species surrounding it.

Ib: Okay for once you were right about the flashing light.

Ob: Fortunately for us the liquid the natives of Hij 3 eject gives most organic species short term memory loss.

Human Interlude #1

Science Adviser: What have you learned about the man that suddenly appeared in the office?

Agent #1: Sir, are you sure he appeared out of thin air and not perhaps jumped out from behind a piece of furniture?

Science Adviser: Yes he appeared out of thin air, our leader was so scared he hid in the nearest corner.

Agent #1: But Sir, there are no corners in the...

Science Adviser: This is what happens when you let politicians divide by zero.  What have you learned?

Agent #1: Well he's a white trapper from the south west.

Science Adviser: Really, what does he trap?

Agent #1: Rabbits, sir.

Science Adviser: What does he remember last?

Agent #1: He said he had shot a coyote and there was white light.

Science Adviser: I thought you said he hunts rabbits?

Agent #1: Yes sir, the coyotes have been eating the rabbits.

Science Adviser: Fine, anything else no matter how small.

Agent #1: He said he remembers having pins and needles in his err...

Science Adviser: Out with it, I'm scientist first and an adviser second.

Agent #1: He said "In all his holes" sir.  Might I ask where our leader is now?

Science Adviser: I sedated him.

Agent #1: You gave him drugs?!?

Science Adviser: Of course not, I sat him down in front daytime TV.  Should keep him happy for hours.  Now what else do we know about the Great White Hunter?

Agent #1: Well sir, he believes in God.

Science Adviser: Not another one! Does he has any terrorist affiliations aside from his out of date beliefs?

Agent #1: No sir! Can I ask is this perhaps related to the asteroid currently...

Science Adviser: That's classified, you should know better that.  What has the forensic team come up with?

Agent #1: Just an unknown blue substance found on his clothes and near all his err...holes sir.

Science Adviser: Very interesting indeed, well ship him off to Area 47 for now.

Agent #1: Yes sir!

End of Human Interlude #1

Ib & Ob: Cultural Misfeeds

Ib: I took it off the subspecies, it was pointing it at one of the smaller quadrupeds, at first I thought it was trying to feed it but there was a sudden flash and the quadruped exploded.

Ob: It exploded?

Ib: Yes, there was just blood and pieces of organic matter everywhere.  Then I realised it probably had teleported and left its waste product behind.

Ob: You mean like the Haxians on Phew 4 and I thought those hexipods were unique.

Ib: I think the smell was definitely unique, it took me ages to get rid of it from the ship.

Ob: I agree that is one planet I never intend to visit again, their waste product ate through three of my environment suits.

Ib: As far as I can tell this tube does not contain anything organic just metal parts.

Ob: Well put it in the relic room for now and when we get back it can be more thoroughly investigated.

Ib: Fine. I will just put my lunch into...

Ob: Hold on a moment we have not got enough evidence yet to say that your lunch is not intelligent.

Ib: What? You said the quadrupeds were the intelligent species, make your mind up.

Ob: I said it was a theory besides some of the probes have come back with some interesting results which suggest my theory might be need adjusting.

Ib: Really?

Ob: Less of the orb rolling please, I suggest you put your lunch back where you found it.  Ship's ration packs will have to suffice for now.

Ib: You did not look at the eat by h-jump of those ration packs did you, they are only good for nine hyper jumps.  It will be like eating Haxian leftovers.

Ob: Just get rid of the subspecies and I will tell what the probes have found.

Ib: Okay give me a panug to put it in the teleport.  I might point out that there are some scorch marks around the pads.

Ob: It will be fine what could possibly go wrong.

Ib:  Really what about the T'ra incident?

Ob:  I was absolved any wrong doing, it was not my fault that the locals were well...primitive.

Ib: So primitive in fact that they managed to enter your personal code into the your game slab without even getting it wrong at least once.

Ob: Chance happens in the strangest of places besides it do not impinge much on their society.

Ib: Much! The people of T'ra 9 were considered to be the greatest primitive architects and artists in four galactic sectors.  Their culture was unblemished by any space faring species until you joined the expedition.

Ob: I seemed to remember you asked me along on that trip so you are partly responsible.  I do not know why you asked me, I have never liked art.

Ib: I am curious as to why your game slab was set to expand so large in the first place?

Ob: Do not you not remember I had entered the Battle Sims for the next day on one of the larger moons, I was going to use the slab as a defensive wall.

Ib: A wall that reached all the way into space?

Ob: Well I had miscalculated a bit but as it turned out it was quite fortunate for the locals since the expedition had time to stop it from flattening their capital city.  Barely any harm done whatsoever.

Ib: Except for the part whereby the locals now worship the Great Black Rectangle and all their buildings are rectangular not a single curve in sight.  You wiped out the most artistic primitive culture in the galaxy.

Ob: Well it is all particles under the ion grill now. Set your coordinates and send it back.

Ib: Fine, tell me what the probes results were?

Ib & Ob: Communications Failure

Ob: What is that?

Ib: Lunch.

Ob: I see you are still thinking with your stomach, why does it look like that?

Ib: Like what?

Ob: Like it has been frozen in the middle of a horrifying thought?

Ib: Did you know that the shuttle was not packed with a complete set of communication probes?

Ob: That would be your responsibility, you used the equipment therefore you maintain it.

Ib: Fair point.  Still the shuttle was a mess, I could barely find anything.  It was like being back in our study room.

Ob: I remember that our study room was particle free.

Ib: That is because I kept it that way, if I had left it to you to tidy up we would have been kicked out for causing multiple bio hazards.

Ob: Wait a panug, the last time I am used the shuttle was on Hij 3 to speak to the tripod species.   Those were brand new probes how did you know how use it?

Ib: Well you remember what Prof. Zi used to say?

Ib & Ob: For Every Hole there is a Probe!

Ib: I admit they have a lot holes the subspecies, it took a while to find the right one.

Ob: Hold on the natives of Hij 3 only have one hole which is between their...

Ib: Yes it took some pushing, not to mention this subspecies seem to have multiple layers are skin.  I got there in the end though.

Ob: I left Hij 3 in a hurry, you did give the probe a clean?

Ib: You mean that blue substance was not part of the probe, it was very sticky indeed. By the way the ion grill will need a clean now.

Ob: Really and you say I am untidy. Oh!  I think I know why it looks like that.

Ib: Really?

Ob: The natives of Hij 3 consume their food while it is still alive, they use a paralytic liquid which is ejected from the same hole that houses their telepathic nodes.

Ib: That sounds disgusting, so the blue substance has frozen my lunch?

Ob: Yes, what is that your metal tube you are holding?

Ib & Ob: The 70th Anniversary

Ib: We have established orbit round the third planet in this system.

Ob: Good, now we...

Ib: Wait a panug, have not we been here before?

Ob: As I was about to explain before you interrupted, it has been seventy cycles of this planet since we were last here.  During your 'Everything is a joke phase.'

Ib: That was not a phase, everything is a joke.  Like your face that is a joke too.

Ob: Let us not start that again, your so called joke seventy cycles ago nearly got us throw out of the science club.

Ib: Like I ever wanted to be in the club in the first place!  Admit it your face is a joke, I mean who wears green with grey anymore?

Ob: I seem to remember you begging me to come along on this trip, said you were bored with Grey World.

Ib: Fine, fine. Carry on. Why are we here again?

Ob: To prove to those purple monopods in the club that my theories about the dominate species on this planet are correct.

Ib: Purple Monopods! Your language has taken a turn for the worst.

Ob: They think in circles, makes my orbs spin.  Please do not roll your orbs like that, remember we did eat well last time we were here.

Ib: True, I admit you had me with Purple Monopods.  What is your plan?

Ob: You take the shuttle down and record the northern hemisphere whilst I dropped some probes into key locations.

Ib: Why is it I am always the one in the shuttle and your up here safe from the locals?

Ob: You keep telling me that you are the best pilot in the galaxy, I thought would enjoy it.

Ib: Purple Monopods! How about you tell me your current theories then I will know what to look for when I down there?

Ob:That is a good idea.

Ib: You do realise it is rude to spin your orbs vertically?

Ob: Your the only one that thinks that.

Ib: That is because I know it is your expression of surprise.

Ob: Alright, I will not spin them again. Happy now?

Ib: Yes, tell me your theory.

Ob: I think the quadrupeds are the dominant species.

Ib: What! No! But we drained them on our last visit for cocktails.  Are you sure?

Ob: I seem to remember that you had four or was it five cocktails and you had the left over heads in a sandwich.

Ib: Your telling me I ate intelligent life forms, your talking about the ones with the mono-tonal language that you could not translate? This is a joke right?

Ob: Yes those are ones.  The others in the club think the bipedal life forms are the intelligent ones but I think not.

Ib: By the Moons of Gugt, I am hoping you are wrong.  What is your evidence?

Ob: The bipedal subspecies spend most of their time in metal boxes which have four spinning wheels, I am calling it my theory of four.  Catchy title right?

Ib: That is not evidence that is a leap to a completely different tangent.

Ob: There is more to the theory, I think the subspecies worship the quadrupeds because everything they build has four wheels.  Also the subspecies do all the work whilst the quadrupeds spent all their time at leisure in the open countryside and the subspecies bring them food.  It all works out.

Ib: If it all works out what are we doing here exactly?

Ob:  Well I need more evidence to present to the club.

Ib: Are you sure you have not been drinking Orion Moon Dust Particles again?

Ob: You said you would never mention that incident again?

Ib: Technically I do not mention the incident just the cause.  Fine I will take the shuttle down but if the subspecies are not intelligent does that mean I get take some for a snack on the way back. You know how Hyper jumps make me hungry.

Ob: Of course I would not expect anything less of you.

Ib: You turned away so I could not see your orbs?