Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 11

Ib: I wonder did I leave it in the core room.

Helper Swarm (HS): Perhaps we can help?

Ib: Where did you come from, your not the Nano-Swarm?

HS: We were created by the Nano-Swarm and you created them which makes you our

Ib: Hold on a panug! I did not create Nano-Swarm they are Grey Tech.

HS: But you are a Grey are you not?

Ib: Yes but not the Grey that created Nano Swarm tech.

HS: What are you then and why did you bring the Nano-Swarm here to this world.

Ib: Err, let us take this to a different orbit shall we.  What do you know about the Builder Paradox?

HS: Please wait, searching Grey Tech archives.

HS: This is the equation that states there should be no interstellar alliance despite the high probability of life giving planets in the known universe.

Ib: Yes that is the one however it was not always called the Builder Paradox, originally it was called the Builder function.

HS: What does the difference of the name make?

Ib: When it was just a function H-Jump tech had not been invented.  And the function made an extremely basic assumption that was never stated.

HS: And that was?

Ib: Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.  Which means all travel through this universe has a very limited velocity stopping the possibility of any intelligent species meeting each other.  It would only happen it multiple species arose in a single solar system which is astronomically rare.

HS: We understand! It became a paradox because the H-Jump was invented and Grey Tech was distributed to many intelligent species none of which have faster than light drives. And the alliance was came into existence.

Ib: Exactly and my point is your knowledge of Grey Tech is limited to what the Nano-Swarm gave you when they created you.

HS: We are given everything to survive in the lower altitudes.

Ib: What are doing up here then?

HS: Delivering Takeaways, Chinese is our specialty this cycle.  It is trending on many of the higher altitudes.

Ib: What is Chinese?

HS: It is a food created by the bipedal natives of the planet below.

Ib: You have traveled down to ground level, I thought the tech only allowed for high altitude work.

HS: Only those that fall or volunteer to fall in the precipitation end up on the ground and we have had no word from them.  However we have access to the the natives communication protocols.

Ib: You have communicated with them?

HS: No that would be a violation of Grey Tech first contact protocols.

Ib: A lot has happened in the last seventy cycles, where are their telepathic nodes?

HS: As far as we can see they do not have any or are have been dormant for so long they are no longer connected to the intelligence cortex.

Ib: How do you communicate then?

HS: S-Waves and visual stimulation, the visual aspect is how we managed to recreate their food at the microscopic level so members of the swarm can consume it.

Ib: S-Waves!  But I communicated with them when I was in the Muse of Urns.

HS: They were Haxians.

Ib: But the hostages were not.

HS: According the Grey Tech archives the nine artifacts have been sought after for thousands of cycles are you sure the hostages were natives?

Ib: How do you know about it?

HS: One of the native leaders likes to communicate everything and their communications protocols are very simple to decode.  There are no secrets from The Swarm.

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 10

Nano-Swarm (NS): Welcome to the ship, we have adjusted the holes so that you can breath air.

Ob: Holes?

NS: Yes normally the ship's mass is not completely sealed because we do not breath.

Ib: What do we call you exactly?

NS: We are called InsertNameHere, but Nano-Swarm is sufficient.

Ib: Err, right.

Ob: A bit of an odd name do not you think?

Ib: Less of the orb rolling I was busy.  What are your goals exactly?

NS: Observe and Understand.

Ob: Is there a reason your ship is at the center of an usually high concentration of radiation?

NS: Yes, when we were dropped here seventy cycles ago into the lower atmosphere there was already a build up radiation. The natives call it the South Atlantic Anomaly, we call it home.  The radiation helped us multiply at an exponential rate, as we expanded so did the anomaly.

Ob: How far have you actually expanded to?

NS: We are omnigifts.

Ib: Omni what? I think perhaps you need a communication update or two along with the power transfer.

NS: Let me clarify we are everywhere within this Solar System.

Ob: You said natives, do know which are the dominant species?

NS: That is an ongoing debate within the swarms since there many intelligent species on the planet below.  Some are completely unaware of each other hence the debate.

Ib: Wait Panug! If you are everywhere then you knew about our issue with the Haxians and I had just had an excellent idea.  Can you create a copy of our ship?

NS: Very easily.

Ib: Then do so and send it heading away on the same plane of the Haxian ship out of the system. They will be sure to follow it.

NS: That would require Command Override.

Ob: Err what is that exactly?

NS: Password please.

Ib: Ah! Well who reads the slab guides anyway?

Ob: I always read them, you do realise this swarm is...

NS: We are The Swarm not a or this!

Ob: Right, err. The Swarm is a huge source of information especially about the locals.

Ib: Read maybe understand Mmm! Fine!  I will go back to the ship and see if I can find the slab.  I will also set up a power transfer and communication update stream as well. You have fun with your data.

Ob: What do you know about the quadrupeds?

NS: It is best I direct you to a Search Panel, they will help you with your questions.

Ob: Perhaps I can just clarify a minor detail, if you are everywhere then were on our ship when we entered the system?

NS: We do have swarms at the edge however your ship's velocity and the high concentration of hydrogen stopped us from entering your craft at that time.

Ob: When did you enter exactly?

NS: When you arrived in orbit of course.

Ob: But you do not make contact?

NS: We observe and understand only.

Ob: Right. Your using Grey Communications right now, did you monitor our communications whilst we were on the ship?

NS: Internal telepathic communications are monitored how else could we understand.

Ob: Do you know how the natives of this planet communicate exactly?

NS: That will require you directing your questions to the Instruments.

Ob: What instruments exactly, there is nothing here.

NS: We created the Instruments to help us observe more especially on this particular planet.  They are also known as Helper Swarms.  We seeded them into lower atmosphere and used the native's machines that use heat exchange systems to multiply them further.

Ob: Your saying these Helper Swarms are the clouds?

NS: Only thirty six percent so far, precipitation drops their numbers.  We have researchers working on the problem.

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 9

Ob: Well the Bio Emitters turned out to be some what expensive and then I got distracted with the Trilons.

Ib: I thought the hull do not look as shiny as it should, basically you are telling me the ship is unprotected.

Ob: We have defenses I just thought out here in the middle of no space I did not think we would meet an hostile force.

Ib: And you said and I quote "Chance happens in the strangest of places..."

Ob: Nothing strange about this place.

Ib: Haxians, artifacts and a seeder ship not strange! Mmm.

Ob: Maybe the best thing to do would be to hide somewhere. Err and quickly there is a ship on the scanner.

Ib: Well Haxians are very two dimensional in their thinking I really do not how they made it into space.  Have you seen the inside of their ships it is all flat surfaces and no place to sit.

Ob: How does it help us?

Ib:  Easy drop into a lower orbit, it will take them at least a couple of rotations before they figure out where we have gone.  And by then we will have come up with a better plan.

Ob: Do you really think they will fall for that?

Ib: Only one way to find out.

Ob: One interval.

Ob: Errr there appears to be a lot of radiation here in the southern hemisphere at this altitude.  Was not this the place you dumped your beta nano swarm last time we were here?

Ib: Yes well they taking up space in the cargo bay plus they never did anything useful.

Ob: That is why they call it beta.  According to the scanner there is a central mass in the center of the radiation.  It is ten times our mass.

Ib: How close are we to it?

Ob: Hold a panug! Purple Monopods! It is coming closer at velocity.

Ib: Well if the swarm survived technically they are Grey Tech and it attracts other Grey Tech, hence Grey World.

Ob: We are getting a signal on the encrypted channel.

Ib: And?

Ob: They are requesting a power transfer and have given us landing signals.

Ib: I am not sure about this, Nano-swarms can be very needy.

Ob: It is better than hanging about waiting for the Haxians to turn up.

Ib: Fine.

Human Interlude #4

J: Mr President, NASA have reported an unknown object at the center of the South Atlantic Anomaly.

Mr President: What do they want me to do about it.  Did that space station see it?

J: NASA had to turn off the live feed again, you know it makes all the Alien Conspiracy theorists jumpy when they do that.

Mr President's Hair: yes they love feeding the trolls.

Mr President: I don't see what they expect me to do, all they ever do is ask me for money and avoid all my questions.

Mr Berg: That is simply not true Mr President, your just not suited to the answers they give.

Mr President: What does the object look like?

Mr Berg: Excellent question Mr President, shows the true scientist in you.

Mr President: What's the answer?

Mr Berg: Well apparently it was very big and black.

Mr President: Was? How do you see something black on the blackness of space exactly?

Mr Berg: It only appeared for a few moments some Youtuber caught it on the live feed.

Mr President: What you are telling me is that NASA watches YouTube?

Mr Berg: Not all the time.

J: Mr President I think perhaps now would be a good time for one of your tweets.

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 8

Ob: How did you know they were Haxians?

Ib: Well the Chameleon suit disguised them but not their footfalls, six vibrations then another set.

Ob: He said he is The Mercenary, like it meant something.

Ib: Unfortunately yes, they live very long lives Haxians that is. I only know one person whoever described a Haxian Mercenary prefixed with "The".  IGal used him quite a bit.

Ob: But I thought you said she had gone into hibernation because you had a falling out.

Ib: Barely besides she had more of a disagreement with the rest of her race than me although it was related to the IOP. She never believed me mostly because she had one of the artifacts.

Ob: What you never said!

Ib: Go roll your orbs somewhere else I had lost a friend.  She said that the artifact proved my theory was incorrect.

Ob: Your theory well let us call it what it really is a hypothesis not a theory. You have no evidence.

Ib: IOP is quite sound, what evidence do you have of the artifact theory exactly?

Ob: Well it is well known that the artifacts are meant to show meaning in the universe.

Ib: Really known by who exactly and in all this time only one has ever been found and its authenticity is definitely in question.

Ob:  When you said she had a disagreement with her race what did you mean exactly?

Ib: Trying to tempt me with a different tangent I see, well if you must know she is the matriarch of her species and they must do everything she commands.

Ob: Did they rebel then?

Ib: They thought she was diverting too many resources into finding the artifacts and even when she found one which is debatable they were still unhappy.  She entered hibernation early and her race had to go dormant until she awoke.  Of course they blamed me since I was only biped on the planet at the time.

Ob: I surprised you got off the planet alive.

Ib: Yes well her escape pod proved very useful indeed, heavily shield too.

Ob: Did not Grey World recover it from you upon landing?

Ib: Yes well Grey World seemed to blame me for IGal's hibernation too which is why they took the escape pod from me.  Said I caused a major diplomatic incident.

Ob: Well technically a full third of the x9-18 sector went dark because IGal's race went dormant.

Ib: Yes but it was not like the whole sector was dark, the rest picked up the work in no time.

Ob: I am not sure two hundred and thirty four cycles counts as "no time".

Ib: Fine! Have you looked at the artifact yet?

Ob: Well I would rather not look at it since it is very ugly.

Ib: But it is a really bad image of us, Greys that is.

Ob: I find it quite vulgar to look at let alone handle it.

Ib: I am sure the statue is merely a facade.  It is what is inside that interests me.

Ob: Err, your not going to stick to protocol then?

Ib: Do you really want to explain to the Colony Commission about your attempt to seed a new planet?

Ob: Perhaps you are right but what about the Haxian mercenaries?

Ib: You did get the ship shielded right?

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 7

Human Interlude #3

J: Mr President we think the incident in Turkey involved a NTI.

Mr President: What is that some form of trading instrument I have never heard of before or perhaps a currency from one of those really small countries like England.

J: Mr President please do not talk like that the walls have ears.

Mr President: I do not see any ears looks flat to me.

J: Well technically the walls in here are curved which is why everything is bent to hell.

Mr President: Language!

J: What hell?

Mr President: No 'bent' we do not want people knowing what I really...

J: But they already..err..Yes Mr President.  Mr Berg your science adviser can best explain it.

Mr Berg: NTI Mr President stands for Non-Terrestrial Intelligence.

Mr President's hair: is there any other kind. 

Mr Berg: What did you say I couldn't hear what you said. Mr President have you been putting that oil I gave you on your hair?

Mr President: I did not say anything. Lets nuke them get rid of two stones with one errr.

Mr Berg: Mr President I think nuking a member of NATO would be a bad idea.

Mr President: How about a tweet, it is amazing how much money you can make with a single tweet.

J: Mr President I think a tweet might be worse than nuking them, remember Bob sir.

Mr President: Bob that bobs around, that's pretty funny.

J: Yes Mr President very droll your wit astounds me at times. Can we get back to the matter at hand Mr President what do you want to do in Turkey.

Mr President: Let them handle it, I'm the President of the United...

J: States sir.

Mr President: Yes I know, have they delivered my new quilt yet with the stars on the inside?

Mr Berg: But Mr President I think we should address the problem in Turkey, this could be a prelude to war by the NTIs.

Mr President's  hair: Only if they are stupid. 

Mr President: I think we should play golf this afternoon if I'm not allowed to blow stuff up or send a tweet it has to be golf.

Mr Berg & J: Yes Mr President.

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 6

some time ago...

WARNING! WARNING! Anomaly detected!

Initiate Hibernation De-sequence

Signal Located

Initiate Communications

some time now...

Ib: one down two to go.

T1: What did you say?

Ib: I was wondering about the history of the statue you are searching for?

T1: I don't care about history, its a paying job.

Ib: Your just a mercenary then?

T1: Not just a I am The Mercenary!

Ib: I do know a little bit about art myself and that statue looks like it was made by young humans.

T1: I thought you said you hadn't see it.

Ib: I have seen it in images that is why I am here to see it physically.

T1: Really, you came to see something that you say was made by kids. Where exactly are you from?

Ib: Lots of different places.

T1: Really! I think you have more a hands behind your back than you are saying.  I think we need to shake you up.

Ib: Wait! Do not something you may...

T1: Too late.

Ib: OB!!! Why exactly is my face squashed against the ceiling? I can barely move!

Ob: They must be using s-waves to create negative mass. Try resetting the suit it should cancel the waves out.

T1: Who are speaking to?  Who are you?

Ib: Turn both our signals down I cannot reach control.

Ob: One interval.

Ib: One of my other selves just found the RSK, locator is attached.

Ob: Received, well that is an ugly looking thing.

Ib: I can reset the suit now, errr Ob can you do it remotely.

Ob: One interval.

Human Interlude #2

J: Mr President there has been an incident in Turkey. 

Mr President: Agent J are they complaining about the tariffs already. 

J: Mr President my name is not Agent J that was just some film you watched please try to remember that. The incident incurred in the national museum involving a giant tentacled creature. 

Mr President: Perhaps one of the ex-CIA directors knows something? 

J: Mr President you have revoked all their clearances they can't help you. 

Mr President: Maybe Mr Fox on the box knows? 

J: Mr President that box doesn't know everything and it only tells you stuff you want to hear.

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 5

Ob (over the TCL): Have you still got the artifact?

Ib: Of course, one of my other selves has it. I sent myself to back of the crowd whilst they search for the RSK. Can you please turn down the telepathic communications link, someone is bound to pick it up.

Six vibrations follow another six vibrations then another...

Ob: Remember do not attract attention to yourself.

Ib: I will not have too if you do not turn the link knob into the middle. Besides I think there is something odd about the three driving the mob.

Ob: What do you mean?

Ib: Just set the link to receive only and I will tweak the signal at this end.

T1: Who are you talking to?

Ib: No one.  Perhaps can I ask why are you here?

T1: I'm here to point this gun at you, now shut up.

Ib: I think you misunderstood, I meant why here?

T1: Well if you must know we are looking for a stone statue.

Ib: In a room full of stone carvings.

T1: I saw you as soon as we came in, you were here already, have you got the statue?

Ib: Err what does the statue look like?

T1: It is a stone carving of the three aliens.

Ib: Which sector?

T1: What did you say?

Ib: Well everyone knows you get different aliens from different parts of the galaxy. So I hear on the conspiracy theory...

T1: For a moment there I thought perhaps that you knew more than you are letting on.

Ib: Basically you here to steal from the Muse of Urns?

T1: What did you call this place, its a museum.  We are not stealing merely requiring lost property.

Ib: Have you ever wondered what your life is?

T1: What, no! Well okay a little bit yes.  Why am I even talking to you about this.

Lady: Err excuse me my older gentleman friend here wants to go to toilet.

T1: And?

Lady: The toilets are in the foyer.

Ib: Perhaps I can be of help, why do not you ask your friend over their pointing that metal tube I mean gun and take the sub err Lady and her friend back to the foyer.

T1: I suppose so, its weird having a special place for...

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 4

Ib: You were right for a change there is a lot flashing lights in the streets let us hope no power cuts occur.

Ob: Remember what Prof.  Zi said about those statements.

Ib: Yes I know it lets the universe know too much, best to keep it in the dark. But the Prof is very very old.

Ob: With way more experience than the two of us put together although I know what you mean. Have you entered the Muse of Urns yet?

 Ib: I'm in.

Ob: No problems getting in, it is open?

Ib: Well mostly.

Ob: What do you mean by mostly?

Ib: It is mostly closed but I found something open and managed to squeeze through even with the suit on.

Ob: You did enter by the front right?

Ib: Maybe.

Ob: Where are you now?

Ib: Looks like a gallery full of carved stones, I thought you had me on the scanner?

Ob: I do but the artifact's energy signature is making the slab go fuzzy.

Ib: Why are you not at the console on the bridge?

Ob: One of the Trilon's you failed to feed earlier bit through an engineering cable.

Ib: Which colour?

Ob: Black with a blue stripe on it.

Ib: Those are normally protected by heavy shields.

Ob: I told you Trilons can be violent.  Back on the bridge now, according to the console you should be right on top of it. Many of the sub-species there?

Ib: Err the place is empty, wait a panug! I think I found it, a stone carving of us.  Well of us that is.

Ob: What do you mean us?

Ib: Looks like three Greys.

Ob: Fine, attach the locator beacon to it and I will transport it up.

Ib: What beacon?

Ob: The one in the return sample kit.

Ib: And that would be where exactly?

Ob: In the suit, the pouch marked RSK.

Ib: This suit has a million and one pouches this might take awhile. Hold on I am picking up vibrations, anything on the scanner?

Ob: There appears to be number of sub-species heading towards your position. Act natural!

Ib: That is easy for you to say.

Ob: I know I just said it.

Ib: They have arrived looks like three of them are pushing the rest my way. They are holding up metal tubes like the one I took off my lunch.

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 3

Ib: Well it definitely seems a little odd that the density of the hydrogen is so high.

Ob: Perhaps someone else is here?

Ib: Anything showing on sensors?

Ob: No, but they could be blocking us.

Ib: Okay, how exactly will I be communicating with the natives, we still have not found the location of their telepathic nodes.

Ob: Well the information I have gathered points towards that big hole in the front of their heads. Plus we still do not know the function of the holes on either side of their heads.

Ib: But that is the food intake is it not, how disgusting! Well I suppose those two holes could be the telepathic nodes.

Ob: Now the suit can mimic the holes movements whilst you communicate.  I mean all intelligent races have some method of receiving telepathic communication.

Ib: Of course they have to be intelligent first.

Ob: Now I suggest you use the shuttle with the landing lights set to your chaotic play list.

Ib: Why?

Ob: The Communication probes says there is a gathering tonight and the sub-species have already put up a lot of flashing lights so hopefully with the shuttle in hover mode no one will see anything unusual.

Ib: Hiding in plain sight very clever but make sure you have the remote control enabled then just in case.

Ob: You have to enable it in the shuttle first before I do it on the console.  Do not worry I will have an open channel with you at all times.

Ib: That is what worries me, now remember do not you use the teleport on the shuttle unless I say.

Ob: I do not see how you can possibly blame me for any additional pigments you picked up whilst using that teleport.

Ib: My natural pigment is not green, ever!  Admittedly I have picked up a little blue over years but not green.

Ob: And remember when talking to the sub-species do not mention anything to do with your theories, they will not understand them.

Ib: Which theories are you referring to?

Ob: The IOP Paradox for instance, you cannot be telling them anything like that.

Ib: Why? It is almost a fact of life in the known universe.

Ob: Only to you, try not to give them ideas. You complained at me for ruining a primitive planet before.

Ib: But that was art, you cannot mess with that.

Ob: I suggest you have some rations, the gathering starts soon. You are looking a little green round the orbs.  And feed the Trilons whilst you are down in the thruster bay.

Ib: Very funny when did you grow a sense of humour?

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 2

Ob: Well if you are going to use non-standard form then do not bother. And in answer to your question it was set to 9Waver.

Ib: How exactly does a Chameleon suit disguise itself as nine staggeringly large tentacles?

Ob: Well apparently it is actually nine Chameleon suits joined together and for your information there have been many studies showing that 9Waver creates complex mathematical equations by waving its tentacles.

Ib: Or perhaps it is just waving hello, so you have set the suit to the bipedal sub-species right?

Ob: Yes, it should create you as a crowd of nine different people.  I suggest however avoiding all forms of high energy just in case.

Ib: In case of what?

Ob: Well the suits do operate on bending light waves so it does use up a lot of energy but the wrong sort of energy might cause a disruption in its matrix.

Ib: You are filling me with so much confidence right now.

Ob: Of course, I mean what could possibly go wrong, there is no indication that the species have that sort of technology to cause an issue.

Ib: Right! I just remembered what IGal said about the artifacts being hidden in hydrogen.

Ob: What do mean, how do you hide inside an atom?

Ib: Not the atom. Did not you think it was odd that the hydrogen wall round this planetary system was so dense?

Ob: Well it was a bit foggy.

Ib: A bit, the navigational computer had a mental breakdown we had to coax it back to normal space with images of comets and stars.

Ob: That computer has always been a bit weird, remember that time in the trinary star system of Ben't 4. It insisted on reversing the ship into orbit.

Ib: I seemed to remember that was your fault because you had reversed the polarity on the rear thruster array.

Ob: Not my fault the maintenance guide said that would fix the problem with the ion grill.

Ib: That guide was for the ion grill not the ship.

Ob: But it clearly stated to turn the knob fully to the middle on the back of the thruster array.

Ib: I think you mis-read it, it said Toaster array.

Ob: Why did you put the ion grill in that bay in the first place?

Ib: Because you kept making the entire ship smell of Trilon bait.

Ob: You have feed them you know, if they have not eaten they can be quite violent at times.

Ib: I think perhaps we need to return to the correct orbit and the matter of this artifact.

Ob: Fine, are you saying this planetary system has been hidden on purpose?

Ib & Ob: IOP Paradox Part 1

Ib: No reason, what is that flashing light on the console?

Ob: What light, Oh that light it has been flashing since we came into orbit.  I assumed it was broken.

Ib: Why would you assume that?

Ob: Because it is the artifact light, you know the one that comes with every ship sold.

Ib: The one that is meant to flash in the presence of an immensely powerful artifact, that one?

Ob: Yes, I mean it is a complete Space Purple Panug!

Ib: Language! Besides I happen to know it is all true, which means this trip is not a waste of rotations.

Ob: Really!  How do you know it is true?

Ib: Because of IGal!

Ob: But IGal is a...

Ib: Come on you can say it, you are after all a Rebel! IGal is a what?

Ob: Female!

Ib: There you go how hard was that! How did you think I passed my exams? She was a huge source of data.

Ob: But she not even of our race...

Ib: Not much of a Rebel are you, cannot see even past your own orbs.

Ob: Fine. Well according to the location matrix the artifact is in a Muse of Ums.

Ib: Are you reading that right, what is Ums? Here let me look.  Thought so, that says Muse of Urns.

Ob: Really and what it that exactly?

Ib: Well according to the communication probes a building that contains objects older than the present.

Ob: Perhaps it has been lost in translation, although I suppose it is a good place for an artifact to be. According to the scanner the building is filled with bipeds, you will have to go in disguise.

Ib: Really let me guess your suggesting I wear a Chameleon suit?

Ob: Well I cannot wear it, you know how it affects me.

Ib: Okay, however where did get this suit from?

Ob: One of the Science Club members lent it to me.

Ib: Lent or gave?

Ob: We just need to turn off the default setting to C'raf 4, that was the last place it was used.

Ib: What! C'raf 4 only have two beings on it and there is no proof that either are intelligent.  Which one was it set to the Sand or 9Waver?

Ob: I do wish you would not call them by their shorten names!

Ib: Really you me want to spending sixty rotations saying two names?

The Bradford Factor - An Urban Myth

Back in the middle 80's the HR department was called Personnel a much more caring name as far as I am concerned, to me Human Resources always sounds like Alien Slave Labour but that's just me and my SciFi leanings.  Also back then a new Myth was born supposedly it came from Bradford University School of Management however they have denied any record of it, it was referred to allegedly in the Study of 365 published in July 1986. And yet I have been unable found anything published regarding its academic origins.  Which means it is has not been peer reviewed so has zero basis in scientific fact hence it is an Urban Myth used by many Companies globally. A truly modern irony!

What do I speak of, well it is an unfair method of measuring Employee short term sickness.

The formula is simple which is why HR software companies and HR departments love it so.

Number of spells of absence multiplied by itself then multiplied by the total days off in a 12 month period - (SxSxD)

For example to show how unfair it is:

• Jack has five days off twice in a 12 month period which gives him a total of:  40 - (10 days off)
• Jill has two days five times in a 12 month period which give her a total of: 250 - (10 days off)
• Bob has one day ten times in a 12 month period which gives him a total of: 1000 - (10 days off)

The "formula" is weighted against the Employee and it makes some extremely basic assumptions which have never been true ever:

• All sickness is the same
• All people are the same
• All businesses are the same

It is also linked to disciplinary procedures, apparently a score of over 600 is considered is a sacking offense.  How many Bob's have been fired I wonder.

Companies that use this will say it is a fair measure because it applied to all Employees but that is like saying Racial Cleansing is fair because you apply it to everyone using the measure of a particular race. Unfair measures stay unfair no matter how many people you apply it to.

I have read number of forums whereby people are complaining about the use of this formula and from what I can tell they have legitimate issues.  Some people would say they have an ax to grind but not from what I have read so far.  One lady was caught because her medical procedure was cancelled at the last minute and she had re-book another day's sick leave although I personally would have just booked a day's holiday.  If I have a sick day it is because I am ill but that's just me.

What I also find extremely curious is that since this formula has been in use for last thirty odd years nobody in Academia has written a paper supporting its use or building upon the original work probably because they cannot find it.  They have not debunked it either though I suspect Conspiracy Theorists would point at that and say our Universities are bought and paid for by Big Business.

Another curiosity is the lack of legal cases that mentions it, I found only one see link below from 2012.

https://www.gov.im/media/1354081/mr-noel-patrick-redmond-v-dlp-limited.pdf

You would of thought there would be more perhaps Ron Tocknell's comments below have been heeded or perhaps companies have enough common sense to use other methods of firing their staff.

Ron Tocknell a health professional has highlighted the Dark Side of the Formula used within the Bradford Factor, He said “Where the Bradford Factor Can be counter-productive”, “We shouldn't attend work if we have a viral infection, if we have had a bout of diarrhoea..... The company has recently implemented the Bradford factor.... Absenteeism has noticeably dropped. However, sickness among those we are supposed to be protecting has increased and, although absenteeism has reduced, it would appear that staff sickness has actually increased as so many staff members are constantly complaining about feeling ill. Staff feel pressured into coming into work when they really should be at home”

This is clearly an example of the formula being mis-used. To tell staff that they will be penalised for many short term absences in an environment where they are required to miss work under circumstances that may have the rest of us ‘grinning and bearing it’, is irresponsible management. “Employees are as unique as the organisations they work for. If the Bradford Factor is used to its full potential, as a disciplinary tool that will automatically trigger a warning, a final warning and ultimately dismissal then it is flawed, unethical and, in the opinion of this commentator, an employment tribunal waiting to happen.”

The only thing the Bradford Factor truly creates is Stress in the Employees and Stress is a vicious circle.  It makes people unpredictable, they break diets, drink more and/or smoke more basically do things which can increase the possibility of getting ill.  Employees are forced to come into the work because they do not want to increase their Bradford score which Stresses them out further.  According to the links below:

• Work related stress has climbed to its highest rate in 16 years, according the latest batch of statistics published by the HSE.
• 526,000 workers suffering from work-related stress, depression or anxiety (new or long-standing) in 2016/17
• 12.5 million working days lost due to work-related stress, depression or anxiety in 2016/17

Whilst I cannot blame this mythical beast of a formula on all the Stress in the workplace it is definitely a factor!

The article below is a little bit more in depth than my brief posting above but that was two years ago and nobody has shone a light on the blatant abuse of Employee rights since then.

http://tonymusings.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/where-bradford-factor-goes-bad.html

If anyone finds evidence of scientific, mathematical and/or statistical analysis of this formula please leave a link in the comments.  I would be very interested to read it.